Empty Nests and Ancient Eggs

Today, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist Leonard Pitts brings us an essay on two subjects: the joys of a childless house and the strange story of a 57 year old single woman who intentionally gave birth to twins. (Annoying free registration for the Miami Herald required, but as I've stated before, simply getting access to Pitts and Dave Barry make it more than worth the time.) After describing his ideal retirement home in the woods, Pitts goes on to explain one of its best features. The distinct and utter lack of the pitter patter of little feet.

Swell as all that is, here is what makes the daydream lovely: There are no children in the house. They have all grown up and moved away.

Oh, I love them to death; don't get me wrong. But I've been doing the dad thing since I was 22. So I look forward to loving them from afar.

In the kid-free house of my daydreams, you can stock the refrigerator and close the door knowing the food won't disappear before the light goes out. You can walk past a room without fear of being knocked back five feet by the song stylings of Jack Filthy and the Foulmouths. And when the telephone rings, it might conceivably be for you.

I apologize to late-life parents everywhere for saying this, but if, at 75, I find myself walking half a block behind some 14-year-old who is terminally mortified at my continued existence, or debating some 9-year-old who can't understand why I won't let him see Naked Nazi Coeds From Planet X, I will walk in front of a bus. While slitting my wrists.

The conversation then turns to the jaw dropping story of Aleta St. James.

St. James is said to be the oldest American to give birth to twins. A press release informs us that she is an ''internationally acclaimed life coach and motivational speaker'' and that this is her ''greatest achievement.'' St. James, who is single, managed this feat through the use of donor eggs and in vitro fertilization.

''This is the most incredible thing I've ever done in my life,'' she told reporters.

St. James acknowledged that other people might have other words for it. ''A lot of people may think I am selfish or crazy or whatever,'' she said.

``Well, I'm a little bit crazy. I've never lived in the box. I just say if you have a dream, if you put your mind to it and don't listen to other people's negativity, you can really do incredible things.''

Amazingly, her next words were not, ``I would like to thank the Academy.''

I'm a little less gentle in my take on Ms. St. James. All stories of Abraham and Sara aside, I can't imagine what her motivation may have been. Assuming she even lives that long, this woman is going to be in her eighties when these two little tykes graduate from college. She lists her occupation as "life coach and motivational speaker." I'm not sure what that pays these days, but her income, along with Social Security, might be a bit stretched to put two teenagers into Harvard.

And what happens if, God forbid, she winds up being inhumed four or five years from now? She'll be in her early sixties, so it's not exactly a far fetched thought. Does the woman have some siblings, probably also in their fifties or sixties, upon whom these youngsters will be foisted off? Will they just drop into the bottomless hole of the state neglect system?

Obviously she has the right to do this if she wants. However, having the right to do something and exercising that right are often two very different things.