Daily Show goodies

Via Natasha at Pacific Views

Transcript from The Daily Show:

JON STEWART: Joining us now, we have the Daily Show Senior Terror/Election Specialist, Rob Corddry. Rob, thanks for joining us.

ROB CORDDRY: Good evening, Jon, from the bunker/election center. [He's standing in front of a tan colored map of the U.S. on a screen.]

JS: Rob, the government is now floating a plan to move the presidential election in the case of a terrorist attack. What have you heard about that plan?

RC: Well Jon, the plan is out there, it's a very smart move by the United States government, think about it. The terrorists are expecting us to hold our elections on election day. We'd be playing right into their hands.

JS: Rob, isn't changing the date of the election an, in some ways, a concession to the terrorists?

RC: It's not just changing the date, Jon. This administration has a number of proposals on the table, all designed to protect the sanctity of our democracy. One idea: the election shield.

Under the proposal, the states most vulnerable to terrorist disruption, those on the pereimeter, states like California, New York, Oregon, the whole New England region [each of these areas turns blue as he names them], and, these other states [the blue regions now match the map of states that went for Gore in 2000], they would form a protective shield. A no-voting buffer zone. Sacrificing themselves, to safeguard these states, designated by, let's say, the color red. [The rest of the states go red, and the picture of the 2000 election map is complete.] Who will then safely carry out the election, sending a clear message to terrorists: This red part of America will not be cowed.

JS: But Rob, that would disenfranchise the blue areas, would it not?

RC: They're way ahead of you, Jon. To make up for the shortfall in the total number of votes, voters in the red area will be made super citizens, whose votes will count twice.

JS: That seems radical, Rob. I mean, we don't even have a specific terrorist threat to go on.

RC: That's why the government is also changing things up at the local level. Each state will have different voting standards to keep the terrorists guessing. Some statates will use old fashioned punch cards. Some will designate real voters felons, so the terrorists won't know who they're trying to stop. Other states will use new electronic voting machines without paper trails. Who really won? We won't know, but more importantly, neither will our enemies.

JS: If I may, in my role to cast a glance askew at this, by saying that terrorists want to influence our election, isn't the administration implying that the terrorists would prefer a certain outcome in this election?

RC: Not at all, Jon. This administration is just trying to safegaurd the voting process. Terrorists tend to target big cities. So, for this election, if you happen to live in a big city, especially one with a large ethnically diverse population, poor people, stay home. Don't be a hero. There'll be another election in 2012.

JS: Rob, I'm sorry, I think you mean 2008.

RC: [long, stiff pause] Yes. [pause] Of course.

JS: Rob Corddry. Thank you, Rob.